COVID Day 43: Resistance

No COVID patients today. Instead I was assigned (with another nurse) to rooms in back of unit, separated from charge nurse, unit secretary, doctors, and aides. Basically totally on our own. To manage the jobs of three or four people. Alone.

At least that’s how it felt. And that. Set me off. At first just overwhelmed with business. Evolving into full blown anger and expletives! Resisting all the responsibilities. All the communication. All the coordination. All the efforts to run down the hall to look for resources. Inner Resistance. Snappy comments Resistance.

But Guess what? I still had to do all these tasks. Whether I resisted or not. Resisting and sounding off with frequent guttural expletives did not reduce my work. Instead, it just ate up more of my energy.

Then I saw it! Oh shit. STOP! Take a breath. I think I became the random hollering culture I so despised when I first set foot in this place. Whoops.

What if this insane pace, with no extra help IS the New Normal???? I can’t run with anger day after day. STOP. Stop it! You can’t do this to yourself. Time to ground. Regroup. Refocus. Remember what energy and skills I have. And don’t have.

But definitely STOP Resisting what is real. In front of my face. Being angry is just gobbling up more of my energy. Like Pac-Man racing through my cells. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp.

Energy that could be redirected towards accomplishing tasks OR deflecting it back to managers.

My Homework. Watching for Resistance. How am I managing the limited energy that I have to use? THIS is my Mission!